That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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