have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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