Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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