so that wasnt chicken after all
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
