Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
