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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I currently don't understand fingers.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
