In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
