Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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