I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize