you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
