this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
