Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
