last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He? As in you personified your dick?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
