Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
