Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
