I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
