I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
