You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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