Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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