I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
