I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
did i just pee glitter
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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