You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
