I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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