He uses pillows to masturbate.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
