Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
