I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
