My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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