Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
