I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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