Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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