you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
