Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
