Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He felt like a one man threesome
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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