she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
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