I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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