I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
We left an ass print on the piano.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
