I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
