how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
