I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
my poor anus
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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