update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
