he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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