she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
