We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
