its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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