If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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