Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
