I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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