i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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