My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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