Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
