I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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