Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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