seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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