Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
