$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
