Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
