Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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