Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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