the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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